Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 3
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
My gran used to say, "here’s five dollars and don’t tell your mother that I’m giving this to you". I said, "it will cost you more than that".
I once tried to commit suicide by jumping off a building... I changed my mind at the last minute, so I just flipped over and landed on my feet. Two little kittens nearby saw what happened and one turns to the other and says, "See, that's how it's done."
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice.
Last night, I was in a restaurant called Bulimia's. The line for the bathroom was incredible.
I had a dream that all the babies prevented by the pill showed up. They were mad.