Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 3

I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.

It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.

One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.

Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.

The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...

Snakes have no arms. That's why they don't wear vests.

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...

If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.

I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?

When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?

Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.