Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 3
I still have my Christmas Tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney...
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had been done by children. They had all the paintings up on refrigerators.
It's a good apartment because they allow pets. I have a Shetland pony named Nikkie. Last summer Nikkie was involved in a bizarre electrolysis accident. All her hair was removed except for her tail. Now I rent her out to Hare Krishna family picnics.
I met this woman and I really liked her... As soon as I met her all I could think of, I was wondering If there was an opposite of a restraining order... Her eyes were a bit to close together like the headlights on a Jeep, I called her AC... Almost Cyclops...
There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
Sometimes I talk to myself fluently in languages I'm unfamiliar with... just to screw with my subconscious. It's a good thing a lot of people speak foreign languages, otherwise those people would have no one to talk to.
If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.
When the guy who made the first drawing board got it wrong, what did he go back to?
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I filled out an application that said, "In Case Of Emergency Notify". I wrote "Doctor"... What's my mother going to do?
Babies don't need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach... it pisses me off! I'll go over to a little baby and say 'What are you doing here? You haven't worked a day in your life!'