Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 43

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'

I recently went to the hardware store and I bought some used paint...it was in a shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they weren't included. So I had to buy them again.

I parked in the tow-away zone, and when I got back, the entire neighborhood was gone.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.

I went to a store and the sign said Open 24 Hours. When I got there, there was guy outside locking it up. I said, “What are you doing, the sign says Open 24 hours?” And he said, “Not in a row.”

I lost a button hole.

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child… eventually.

I woke up this morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called information. She said they were behind the couch. She was right.

Last year we drove across the country...We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip... I don't remember what it was...

My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said, "the whole time".

Well, you can’t have everything. Where would you put it?

My school colors were clear. I'm not naked, I'm in the band.

I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."