Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 42

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

What are imitation rhinestones?

I'm not cheap, but I am on special this week.

I was Cesarean born. Can’t really tell. Although, whenever I leave a house I got out through the window.