Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 42

I bought a cheap piece of land... It was on someone else’s property.

I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

Don't you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.