Quotes & Jokes by Steven Wright / page 42

I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.

I have a large seashell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the world. Maybe you've seen it.

Imagine Pulitzer prizefighting.

One night I came home very late. It was the next night.

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

How to make a million dollars: First, get a million dollars.

When I was 10, my pa told me never to talk to strangers... we haven't spoken since.

Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.

The sign said "eight items or less". So I changed my name to Les.

If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?

Always remember your unique, just like everyone else.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

I got pulled over by a cop, and he said, 'do you know the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?'. So I said, 'oh, that's OK, I'm not going that far.'