Quotes & Jokes by Tim Minchin

“But evolution is only a theory!” Which is true. I mean, it is only a theory, it’s good that they say that. I think, it gives you hope, doesn’t it? That… that maybe they feel the same way about the theory of gravity, and they might just float the fuck away.

Everything organic and natural is good, ignoring the fact that organic natural substances include arsenic and poo and crocodiles. And everything chemical is bad, ignoring the fact that… everything is chemicals.

Only a ginger can call another ginger "ginger".

Your love is one in a million, You couldn’t buy it at any price. But of the 9.999 hundred thousand other possible loves statistically, some of them would be equally nice.

It’s quite hard being right in the face of people who are wrong without sounding like a fuckwit. People go “do you think the vast majority of the world is wrong”, well yes. I don’t know how to say that nicely, but yes.”

The weirdest thing about a house is that it’s got locks to keep the baddies out, but they’re mostly used to lock ourselves in.

I have these friends, and they had a daughter recently and they named her Jessica. They spelt it J-E-S-I-K-A. They’re that kind of people.

Yeah how bad can it be?<br /> Some people have it worse than me<br /> I could be a child prostitute<br /> Or Gary Glitter’s family

Because I need you / Like a tick needs a tock / Like bananas need pyjamas / Like a nun needs cock

So yeah, this song, then we'll go off, then we'll come back and do another song because going off will obviously just have been fake all along and you know that now which ruins it.

If you open your mind too much, your brains will fall out.

... you've probably worked out by now that all our songs are ridiculously long to make up for the total lack of content.

The Aus­tralian comedy circuit is kind of small, and big in the most inconvenient ways. There aren't many venues, and the ones we have are hundreds of miles apart and separated by mountains. That's probably why so many of us come to the UK