Quotes & Jokes by Wanda Sykes / page 2
Once you start making money, you can be an ass. But I am not an ass. I'm too lazy, that takes a lot of energy.
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh - don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
My neighbor, she invited me to an Elvis party. I told her I couldn't come 'cause I'd be too busy making fun of her from behind my blinds.
I can hear my mother now: 'What? Oh, you gonna get a divorce? It's just that easy, huh? Things get hard, things get rough - you just want to throw in the towel, just like that. Let me tell you something, that's a bunch of bull. Let me tell you something - your father and I had a shoot out, OK? He took one in the arm - Harry, show her where I shot you - now, see that's love right there. You gotta learn how to work these things out. He was wrong, I shot him - you move on.'
I'm gonna tell you right now - somebody walked in here and told me I just won the lottery, I will walk out in the middle of this joke.
As soon as he turned pro and he won his first tournament, I read, 'Bi-racial golfer wins first tournament.' Oh, OK - 50/50: he's 50% black, 50% Asian. Alright, cool. Then after he won the masters, I'm flipping through Sports Illustrated, and I read, 'Tiger Woods is a quarter black,' and I'm like, 'Damn, he's down to 25% now, man. What the hell is going on? They're treating him like he's milk.'
When life gives you lemons don't make lemonade, make pink lemonade. Be unique.
Some black people want to get in touch with their African roots. But then you got some black people that just don't give a damn. You tell them, 'Hey, I just got back from the motherland.' They're like, 'Where'd you go - Detroit? Did you see The Temptations?'
I think it's because my comedy is in your face, and it comes from a place that's real.
I'm not politically correct. I still say 'black,' I do. Because 'African American' - there's no bonus; it's not going to make your life any easier. You don't see black people standing around going, 'Woo yeah, African American. Man, I tell you, this beats the hell out of being black. We should have made the switch years ago.'
I sat down and wrote some jokes and went to the talent show, got up on stage, fell in love with it and never turned back.
Our air quality's all messed up now. Knew that was coming when they lowered the emissions standards. Knew that was gonna happen when he appointed Christine Whitman head of the EPA. Yeah, the governor of New Jersey is head of the Environmental Protection Agency. Do you know how dirty New Jersey is?
I was hanging out with my little nephew, and the kid - he had a helmet, shoulder pads, knee pads, some shin guards, gloves. Talk about, 'I'm a go ride my bike.' I'm like, 'Where - through a mine field?'