Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 2

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

The most beautiful words in the English language are not "I love you", but "It's benign".

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.