Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 2

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.