Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 2

Why ruin a good story with the truth?

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.