Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 2

In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.

Between the Pope and air conditioning, I'd choose air conditioning.

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

Love is the answer, but while you are waiting for the answer, sex raises some pretty good questions.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

I love the rain - it washes memories off the sidewalk of life.

For a while we pondered whether to take a vacation or get a divorce. We decided that a trip to Bermuda is over in two weeks, but a divorce is something you always have.

I hate reality but it's still the best place to get a good steak.

Remember, if you smoke after sex you're doing it too fast.

It is clear the future holds great opportunities. It also holds pitfalls. The trick will be to avoid the pitfalls, seize the opportunities, and get back home by six o'clock.

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!