Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3

372 quotes

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

The only time my wife and I had a simultaneous orgasm was when the judge signed the divorce papers.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

It is impossible to travel faster than the speed of light, and certainly not desirable, as one's hat keeps blowing off.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.