Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.