Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3
You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!
The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.
Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.
The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.
I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.
I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.
The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.
There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.
You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.