Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3

I’m twelve years old. I run into a synagogue. I ask the rabbi the meaning of life. He tells me the meaning of life but he tells it to me in Hebrew. I don’t understand Hebrew. Then he wants to charge me $600 for Hebrew lessons.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

If there is reincarnation, I'd like to come back as Warren Beatty's fingertips.

The dictatorship is "shut up", democracy is "always concerned".

I have an intense desire to return to the womb. Anybody's.

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

How am I immature? Intellectually, emotionally, and sexually. Yeah, but in what other ways?

Why not? Life is short, life is dull, life is full of pain - and this is a chance for something special.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.

You can't control life. It doesn't wind up perfectly. Only... only art you can control. Art and masturbation. Two areas in which I am an absolute expert.

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?

My ex-wife was a philosophy major at NYU. Yeah, she and I used to have deep philosophical discussions where she would prove that I didn't exist.

Will you calm down? You're not going to let a little near-death experience ruin your mood, are you?

I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.