Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3

I took a speed-reading course and read War and Peace in twenty minutes. It involves Russia.

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

You only live once, but once is more than enough if you live it well!

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

Confidence is what you have before you understand the problem.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

Sex is the most fun you can have without laughing.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.