Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 3

It's worse than dog eats dog. It's dog doesn't return dog's phone calls.

The great roe is a mythological beast with the head of a lion and the body of a lion, though not the same lion.

Oh, now there's only one kind of love that lasts. That's unrequited love. It stays with you forever.

The government is unresponsive to the needs of the little man. Under 5'7", it is impossible to get your congressman on the phone.

Men learn to love the woman they are attracted to. Women learn to become attracted to the man they fall in love with.

Talent is luck. The important thing in life is courage.

Life is a sexually transmitted disease.

I'd never join a club that would allow a person like me to become a member.

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.

Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as far as meaningless experiences go its pretty damn good.

Problems are like toilet paper. You pull on one and ten more come.

94.5% of all statistics are made up.

I can’t express anger. That’s one of the problems I have. I grow a tumor instead.

The whole concept of awards is silly. I cannot abide by the judgment of other people, because if you accept it when they say you deserve an award, then you have to accept it when they say you don't.

I did not marry the first girl that I fell in love with, because there was a tremendous religious conflict, at the time. She was an atheist, and I was an agnostic.