Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 24

Take the money and run.

Don't worry, I know almost exactly what I'm doing.

I've never been an intellectual but I have this look.

You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred.

I've gained no wisdom, no insight, no mellowing. I would make all the same mistakes again, today.

It's something that occurs to me many times in my movies. They can often be treated comically or dramatically, and I usually opt to treat them comically. But it occurred to me that you could get a story and you could fool around with it both ways.

As we know, for centuries Rome regarded the Open Hot Turkey Sandwich as the height of licentiousness.

My movies are more popular in France than back at home. The subtitles must be great.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?

I do the movies just for myself like an institutionalized person who basket-weaves. Busy fingers are happy fingers. I don’t care about the films. I don’t care if they’re flushed down the toilet after I die.

What a world. It could be so wonderful if it wasn't for certain people.

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God's mind - a pretty uncomfortable thought, particularly if you've just made a down payment on a house.

I am at two with nature.

The chief problem about death, incidentally, is the fear that there may be no afterlife - a depressing thought, particularly for those who have bothered to shave. Also thereis the fear that there is an afterlife but no one will know where it's being held.