Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 23

I don’t know what the hell I’m doing here. I’m 237 years old, I should be collecting social security.

I do not know if God exists, but if there is, I hope he has a good excuse!

I've always liked, someday the lamb will lay by the lion... but it won't get much sleep.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

I sold the memoirs of my sex life to a publisher - they are going to make a board game out of it.

You always think another time would have been ideal for you... the reality is there was no novocaine when you went to the dentist.

For God sakes, this is a woman I was married to for 10 years. We made love. I'd hold her head over the toilet bowl when she threw up.

When we played softball, I'd steal second base, feel guilty and go back.

Standing in a garage no more makes you a car than standing in a church makes you a Christian.

More than any other time in history, mankind faces a crossroads. One path leads to despair and utter hopelessness. The other, to total extinction. Let us pray we have the wisdom to choose correctly.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Living is messy.

Sex between a man and a woman can be wonderful, provided you can get between the right man and the right woman.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.