Quotes & Jokes by Woody Allen / page 23

Living is messy.

I bought her this handkerchief... and I didn't even know her size.

I had a mad impulse to throw you down on the lunar surface and commit interstellar perversion with you.

I'm so excited - I think today I'm going to brush all my teeth.

It is impossible to experience one's death objectively and still carry a tune.

Honey! Bring down a copy of my will - and an eraser!

Is there a separation between body and mind, and if so which is it better to have?

Another good thing about being poor is that when you are seventy your children will not have you declared legally insane in order to gain control of your estate.

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said "No."

The baby is fine. The only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

How is it possible to find meaning in a finite world, given my waist and shirt size?

Science is an intellectual dead end, you know? It’s a lot of little guys in tweed suits cutting up frogs on foundation grants.

You'll find as you go through life that great depth and smoldering sensuality don't always win.

I idolized Superman when I was younger. I thought he and I had a lot in common. He was always going into phonebooths and taking off all his clothes.

Because it's much more pleasant to be obsessed over how the hero gets out of his predicament than it is over how I get out of mine.