Quotes & Jokes by Anthony Jeselnik / page 11
Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.
I can tell you what the #4 thing I can’t talk about is. It’s the #4 thing.
Valentine's Day was created by the greeting card industry to get pussy.
Maybe the most uncomfortable moment of my life was when my dad gave me the sex talk. The old man was into some really crazy shit.
Do whatever you want, whenever you want to do it and, as long as you look confident, no one will give you any shit. Put that on the back of a locket, then swallow it.
I don't know what to do. I have a friend in Japan. And he actually owes me ten bucks.
Disgusting. I just found my grandpa's Viagra. I swear, I almost puked from eating so many.
Perhaps I'm being too optimistic, but I think this country is finally ready for a black serial killer.
I loved Stephen Wright, and I loved Mitch Hedberg, but they seemed like geniuses you could never emulate. You'd just be ripping them off.
You'll get my assault weapon when you pry it out of my curious six-year-old's cold dead hands.
I think my friends wife has been banging a black guy. Because they just had a baby. And the baby had a hole in it.
My dad was amazing. He raised five boys. All by himself. Without the rest of us knowing.
My favorite part of going to a wedding is ruining the wedding.
I've been absolutely furious for no reason lately. Maybe I'll feel better if I find a good psychiatrist and beat him to death.