Quotes and Jokes by Bruce Bruce

Bruce Bruce is an American actor and stand-up comedian from Atlanta, Georgia. He grew up in The Bluff, one of the city's roughest neighborhoods. He was the host of BET's ComicView and has appeared in various stand-up comedy specials and television series. He was also a spokesman for Popeye's Chicken & Biscuits.

Top 15 Quotes (out of 16)


Is it warm in here? I'm sweating like a pimp with one ho.


That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!


I said, 'I'm a male stripper.' He's like, 'You're kidding!' I said, 'Yeah!' He said, 'What's your stage name?' I said, 'Stretch Marks.'


All my life I was a class clown, church clown, neighborhood clown. And I took a shot after my divorce. She pushed me and I took it.


I’d like to help other comedians and when I get a little older I’d like to open up a nice comedy club that is straight classy, with a straight restaurant and a chef. The whole thing, red carpet, and treating people nice, for people to come back and have a good time. That’s the kind of comedy club I want to open up.


You're taught as a child, when an old person says something to you, you don't talk back. But now I am an adult, I let their ass have it, you hear me? I'm in church Sunday; I spot this old lady. I said, 'Hey ma'am, how you doing?' She said, 'Hey baby, how big you goin' get?' I said, 'How old you goin' get?' She got mad, 'You fat ass,' 'You old bitch - we're in church now!'


My comedy has no color, it’s for everybody, black, white, Latino, Asian. It’s not a pro-black show, not a def jam show; it’s just straight, wholesome type of humor.


I wouldn't take nothin' but a Ford: F-O-R-D, period. Ain't nothin' like a Ford. I wouldn't drive a Chevrolet 'cause I can't spell it.


You ever see people breath be so bad you can see the words coming out of their mouth? You be standing there talking - 'Yeah, I can see what you're talking about.'


Being a bigger person, whether you're male or female, in entertainment, it can hurt your chances. Because people look to you to be a so-called superstar. Perfect body, perfect figure, good looking, and smart. And larger people, we have to fit in anywhere we can and the best way we can, so to speak. The way the world looks at you at being perfect, and nobody's perfect.


Sometimes I can do a pretty clean show, since I perform at churches all the time. And sometimes I might use a "damn" or "shit" that comes out. But there's nothing that's vulgar or disrespectful. It's all good and it's all still funny, though. And I don't care what color the crowd is - black, white, Asian, whoever. It don't matter. Funny's funny and I'm gonna get them to laugh.


White person write you a check, you can take it to the bank in the morning. Brother write you a check, he's gonna postdate it next Friday, look you straight in the eye and say, 'If you go in there Thursday, the money won't be there.'


Now, I want to explain something to you guys. I don't have an ending joke, because I don't tell jokes. I tell real-life stories and make them funny. So, I'm not like the average comedian. They have an ending joke; they always holler "Peace! I'm out of here," and walk off stage. So, basically, when I get through performing on stage, I just walk off.


What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? I'm gonna let y'all know right now before I start, I'm stupid for real. OK? This is not an act. This is the way I act, alright, so don't think I'm pretending.


Women do fool around. But the reason they don’t get caught is that when a woman mess with a man he lives cross town, out of town. Fellas we mess with next door neighbor, co-worker, wondering why she found out.