Quotes & Jokes about Business
I'm sitting in the bus station, minding my own business, reading ‘Ta-Da!’ magazine; a magazine by and for gay magicians, but that's a different story.
Dave Chappelle was great. He's just the way he is in the wraparounds on the show. He's a really laid back guy. Just doing five skits on his show gave me enough exposure where I was able to move up a few notches, which was like night and day from where I was in this business. So I'm always thanking him.
Some people are against porno movies. And I say hey, Ohio, Kentucky, and Iran: I say, hey - whatever a man, and a woman, and another woman with a penis and a midget do to a donkey, that's their garsh-darn business.
It's nothing but a big stroke job in this country. The government strokes you every day of your life. Religion never stops stroking you. Big business gives you a good stroke. And it's one big, transcontinental, cross-country, red, white and blue stroke job... Do you know what the national emblem for this country ought to be? Forget that bald eagle. The national emblem of this country ought to be Uncle Sam standing naked at attention saluting, and seated on a chair next to him, the Statue of Liberty jerking him off. That would be a good symbol for the United Strokes of America.
Our alphabet is based on some kind of a bookkeeper's code to keep the Jews' and the Egyptians' noses out of the Phoenician cattle business!
So when I get a phone call at the airport, I'll admit it, I like to have a little fun. 'Go ahead. Gate 47 is completely clear.' People notice in a hurry. 'Honey, something is going on. That guy has a wire hanging down, maybe we shouldn't be standing right here.' 'Stand down, blue team! Stand down, blue team!' 'Honey, there is a sting going down at the airport. I am not feeling safe. Please, let's move.' 'Stand down, down blue team! Don't - hold on, the subject's approaching. He's in a business suit with a briefcase. I repeat, the briefcase is in his hand.' And I find some random businessman. I run, and I just beat the crap out of him. And everybody starts clapping, 'Thank you for making our airways safe.' And then I go get on my plane, and that guy just has a weird story to tell for the rest of his life.
You’re going into business with that Puerto Rican? You ought to call yourselves “Julio and Big Foolio.”
That’s all they can say about me, is “fat motherfucker”, that’s it! People kill me. “Fat motherfucker.” And people that don’t like fat people, quit calling us “fat motherfucker”, ‘cause that don’t bother us, you understand what I’m sayin’? Lady called me that the other day, “ya fat muthafucka!” I don’t give a damn! You wanna make me mad, tell me Popeye’s Chicken goin’ out of business. Nigga, I set this theater on fire!
I try to please people, to give them a good time, but I refuse to make my act conform to traditional show-biz standards of entertainment. There's a little voice that says, 'Oh, no, you can't do that, that's breaking all the rules.' That's the voice of show business. Then this other little voice says, 'Try it.' And most of the time, when the voice comes on and says, 'No,' that's the time it works.
When I was forty, I was getting divorced, living in a low-class, dirty hotel in New York. My mother was dying of cancer. I owed $20,000. That was about the lowest. I came back to show business, and I couldn't get a job. I was turned down by every small-time agent in New York.
I would like now to talk about the Japanese, a race of very short people who are always bending in half. You can't make an honest business deal with them because you can't look em' in the eye. I don't believe any group of people should be able to build a car they can't pronounce. I'm talking of course about the 'Cororra'.
It's one of the old show business axioms. No matter how successful you've been, there's always a younger and sexier seal coming along.
Revivals used to come to town. They would ask who wanted to be saved and I’d march right to the front. It was then I knew I was destined for a career in show business or at least alcoholism.