Quotes & Jokes by Gabriel Iglesias / page 4


And then I realized I was being checked out by guys! And I know they were checking me out, because they were looking at me like I look at tacos. And I thought to myself, "Oh my god, I can turn on a man! Shoot!" And I called my girlfriend, and I said, "Baby, you better not mess this up; I have options!"

In the beginning, when I was doing my shows, I was incorporating a lot of Spanish, just trying to be a Latino comic instead of just a comic. Now I try to make the show as broad as possible... I don't want to alienate people. I want to make it so everybody can follow along and everybody can relate.

I'm always very happy to talk to people. I relate to people, and the guy on stage is very much the guy that's off stage. People know when it's fake.

When I go to dance clubs, I always dance with big girls, so we finish at the same time.

When I was a kid I did impressions and funny voices a lot. When I was telling a story I would use the voices to make it more entertaining.

I almost bought a DeLorean the other day just because. If I see something that I think is cool and I like it, I'll go for it.

I got off the plane - I was walking and cooking at the same time.

I just know you can not be on top forever. There's always going to be the next guy, and if I'm going to go down, I'd like to know I helped the next guy take my spot. You can't prevent the inevitable, but you can join the ship.

For this being the holiday season everyone at the mall is pissed. Time to shop online.

I’m not fat. I’m fluffy!

I don't even have a clue as to where to find a pregnancy test. I'm looking at all the aisles... they don't have one that says 'oops.'

That's one thing about my shows. I tell people, I'm not a comedian, I'm just a really funny reporter. I put my life out there and make it entertaining. By putting it out there, it helps me to deal with it, you know, so I don't snap and so I don't go off the handle when I get home.

Put your life out there and make it entertaining.

When I first got to St. Louis, I saw the arch and I said, ‘I want to go to that McDonalds.'

Comedy is my passion. I'm going to do this until I drop.