Quotes & Jokes by Bo Burnham / page 5

My whole family thinks I'm gay, I guess it's always been that way. Maybe it's 'cause of the way that I walk, Makes them think I like... boys.

And two balls minus one, six titles at the tour de France.

For every dollar that a man makes, a woman makes 70 cents. That doesn't make sense. That's not fair, the man's only left with 30.

Love is all about... whistles.

When life give you lemons... you probably just found lemons.

Bitches and hoes don't exist because the hoes know Bo's a feminist.

If your belief is hateful towards people, I couldn’t respect that.

Was Einstein's theory good? Relatively.

People ask me all the time, all the time, they say the same exact thing. They say, "Bo, you’re an artist… how do we fix Africa?"

All you god damn dirty Catholics can cath-o-lick my balls.

I’m a stand up comic and I always sit and slouch, and I got my girlfriend pregnant on my sterile uncles pull-out couch.

I always wanted to be a comedian and actor, I basically stumbled into the music medium, though. I'm OK, but that's about it. I like to think I'm good enough not to negatively affect the performance.

When I tried to hit puberty I swung and I missed.

We’re having a traditional Thanksgiving - turkey, mashed potatoes, hat buckles, smallpox, genocide, a blue corn moon, etc.

The average person has one fallopian tube.