Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 4

Over the years, I have been subjected to many indignities, all for the sake of Art. If I ever catch him, I'm going to kill the guy.

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...