Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 4

Congress may be going home for the holidays soon. How can you beat a Christmas gift like that?

I'll tell 'ya how to stay young: Hang around with older people.

The program is nearly over! I can feel the audience is still with me but if I run faster I can shake them off.

When we recall the past, we usually find that it is the simplest things - not the great occasions - that in retrospect give off the greatest glow of happiness.

You've got to be rich to have a swing like that.

Most of the people who came for dancing lessons had Rumba ambitions and minuet bodies.

I don't know if the presidential candidates are running for the White House or Animal House.

I was lucky I wasn't a better boxer, or that's what I'd be now - a punchy ex-pug.

A James Cagney love scene is one where he lets the other guy live.

If I have to lay an egg for my country, I'll do it.

I see the Beatles have arrived from England. They were 40 pounds overweight - and that was just their hair.

Welcome to the Academy Awards - or as it`s known at my house, Passover.

They said I was worth $500 million. If I was worth that much, I wouldn't have visited Vietnam, I'd have sent for it.

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

The last time I played golf with President Ford he hit a birdie – and an eagle, a moose, an elk, an aardvark...