Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 5

Golf is a hard game to figure. One day you will go out and slice it and shank it, hit into all the traps and miss every green. The next day you go out and, for no reason at all, you really stink.

I have too much money invested in sweaters.

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.

My father told me all about the birds and the bees, the liar - I went steady with a woodpecker till I was twenty-one.

It's nights like this that drive men like me to women like you for nights like this.

The audience was swell. They were so polite they covered their mouths when they yawned.

I need money. I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

I've always been in the right place and time. Of course, I steered myself there.

Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother.

My idea of Christmas, whether old-fashioned or modern, is very simple: loving others. Come to think of it, why do we have to wait for Christmas to do that?

The trees in Siberia are miles apart, that is why the dogs are so fast.

They'll always be an England, even if it's in Hollywood.

Kids are wonderful, but I like mine barbecued.

If you think golf is relaxing, you're not playing it right.

I have performed for 12 presidents and entertained only six.