Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

I ruined my hands in the ring ... the referee kept stepping on them.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.