Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

The only thing chicken about Israel is their soup.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

You never get tired unless you stop and take time for it.

I've got to watch myself these days. It's too exciting watching anyone else.

If I had my life to live over... I wouldn't have time.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

The stealth bomber is supposed to be a big deal. It flies in undetected, bombs, then flies away. Hell, I've been doing that all my life.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

A lot of people were surprised that Ford picked Nelson Rockefeller to run with him. After all, Rocky had tried to get the job of president three times himself. That's like asking Morris the Cat to watch your tuna salad.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.

I don't know what people have against Jimmy Carter. He's done nothing.