Quotes & Jokes by Bob Hope / page 7

When she started to play, Steinway came down personally and rubbed his name off the piano.

Your ignorance cramps my conversation.

Congratulations to whoever is finally booking music we love. It's going to get us out of the house after dark!

I have a wonderful make-up crew. They're the same people restoring the Statue of Liberty.

Isn't it fun to go out on the course and lie in the sun?

I have seen what a laugh can do. It can transform almost unbearable tears into something bearable, even hopeful.

Wine, women and song have been replaced by prune juice, a heating pad and the Gong Show.

The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends.

Tonight we set aside petty differences, forget old feuds and start new ones.

The good news is that Jesus is coming back. The bad news is that he's really pissed off.

Today's ballroom dances like the swim, the frug, the chicken and the monkey are really nervous disorders set to music.

You know what a fan letter is - it's just an inky raspberry.

Three of my stocks went off the financial page - into the help-wanted section.

Dying is to be avoided because it can ruin your whole career.

I've never wanted an Oscar, although they are reassuring to an actor who doesn't know how really great he is.