Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14
I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?
One day, I want to get rich enough so that every time I walk into a room I can release a dozen doves.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
Life does not cease to be funny when people die any more than it ceases to be serious when people laugh.