Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

I’ll tell you what’s better than watching the sunrise… Sleeping through it.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

I can say that. I have a television show.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.