Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14
I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.
Men are simple things. They can survive a whole weekend with only three things: beer, boxer shorts and batteries for the remote control.
"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.
If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.
Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.
Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.
Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.
Oh, southern rappers... so hard to write a rhyme when you only know 30 words.
Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.