Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

My favorite thing to steal is a kiss. You can get arrested for it but they can’t force you to give it back.

I’m not a good actor, I can play myself and a much gayer version of myself. That’s my range.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

I think part of me always knew. Wanna know which part? My penis.

Even people who don’t believe in science still have to believe in gravity.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.

Kangoroos can't hop backwards.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Making a good music video isn’t easy. If it were, MTV would still be showing them instead of ‘16 and Pregnant,’ which I assume is shot exclusively in Utah.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

If security guards aren’t allowed to carry guns, I don’t have to obey their made up rules.