Quotes & Jokes by Daniel Tosh / page 14

I'm not offended by all the dumb blonde jokes because I know I'm not dumb... and I also know that I'm not blonde.

Is it okay to roofie a girl just to shut her up?

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.

Big, skinny, regular size it doesn’t matter as long as your young.

Technically it's not premarital sex if you don’t plan on marrying them.

Go ahead, dumb people, be offended by a joke that doesn't have a plausible premise.

Maybe everyone doesn't deserve a second chance. If I can be perfect why can't you?

The day I notice a cyclist obey a stop sign is the day I'll stop enjoying watching them bounce off my hood.

Models: I'm not voting for you for any stupid magazine list! If you were really that Hot you wouldn't have to beg the world to stuff the ballot.

I can say that. I have a television show.

Have you guys flown since 11-9? I’m European.

Never trust anyone who buttons their top button.

"Money doesn't buy happiness." Uh, do you live in America? 'Cause it buys a WaveRunner. Have you ever seen a sad person on a WaveRunner? Have you? Seriously, have you? Try to frown on a WaveRunner. You can't! They're so awesome, it's just throttle. People smile as they hit the pier. Because you forget, you need gas to turn. It goes against your natural instincts. Some of you aren't laughing; we all miss your cousin, but not laughing's not gonna bring him back. He's dead for a reason. He was a show-off, and he tried to spray us. "I didn't wanna get wet!" I yelled at his mother at the funeral.

Racing does to white guys what movies do to black guys.

The great thing about Los Angeles is that you can get so much money in this town by constantly failing. You can get a lot of television deals that don't go anywhere, but you still get paid.