Quotes & Jokes by David Spade / page 6

The last girl I went out with blew me off. Now I call her with lame excuses to see her, “Hey, did I leave a penny over there?”

I wouldn't do this if I didn't like it.

As boys get older, they can't let on that it's cool to meet me.

I've had it where things didn't go well for me with movies or something that got canceled.

I wish I had that carefree lifestyle. But I guess I'm more private, and more inside.

I have no stories to sell. A lot of my relationships are with civilians, and no one wants to hear about those.

It's hard to have a career.

I've been with a beautiful girl from time to time.

I don't like throwing myself in a place that's going to rock my world.

It's great to tell people you have your own show, but that's where the fun stops.

It's just easier to make fun and cut down. It's kind of a way of life in America. If you can make people want to hear what you're going to say, it can be cruel and funny.

Bill Murray I always liked. I'm not as good as him, but there's a quality in him that I like. And then there's DeNiro, I'll never be that.

Hopefully, underlying all my jokes is an element of surprise.

I'm up. If that doesn't get me up, you know what will. Housekeeping. Housekeeping. Bink. No, need sleepy!

I got into stand-up to get on a sitcom.