Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14
There's nothing funnier than getting a death threat via MySpace. Why don't you just write it in a children's birthday card.
I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.
The only legitimate excuse you could have for having a baby in those dire, war torn, famine struck conditions - would be to eat it.
Nobody wants to hear "don't fuck in the front hole" after a hard day at work.
Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.
You’re not a fan of Dale Earnhardt, you’re a fan of someone else that will take a risk so you can sit your fat faggot ass on a couch and have some slow drip morphine injection of adrenaline so you don’t have to do anything!
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.