Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 14

Wanting more. Having your cake or eating your cake are fine. Not even wanting cake is where you get fucked.

You are a shit head, but I can make you feel like you’re not the only shit head.

Children are like poems. They're beautiful - to their creators - but to others they're just silly and fucking annoying.

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

Sex is a very narrow avenue. You only have so many holes and parts, and eventually, you run out of things to do.

You do bits and you fake anger and you write a bit and you have passion for it. Then you do it too many times and you have to work up the anger... and I’ve never had to do that with Dr. Drew Pintsky. Dr. Drew is to medicine what David Blaine is to science.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?

Three times in ten years of comedy I've pulled my dick out or gone on stage naked, and it was appropriate at the time.

I was 23 with a mullet doing lots of jerk-off material."I can't look at the old tapes now.

The one equal right that women will never get... is the equal right of just being able to fuck shamelessly, like men do.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?

I used to have solutions in my act. I'd find a social ill of some kind and I’d rail about it, and then have a solution to that problem. And I’d throw a fist fuck joke in the middle to make it all fit under the umbrella of comedy. And now I just have fuck it let’s just kill a bunch of people.

I blow a load in a girl’s hair out of respect for the environment and mother nature, and not only do I have to pay for your kids, I gotta fucking drive past the school at 15 miles an hour on my way home to jerk off and watch the Simpsons.

There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.