Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15
Why even moon a sorority girl if they can't see the swingy egg bag part of it?
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?
The revolution I was starting where I thought I could yell at 200 people in a bar every night and change the world didn't quite happen.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.
There's a fraudulent root element of comedy in that we say things night after night as though they are rolling effortlessly from the brain and off the tongue, when in fact they are crafted over weeks and months and years.
The catholic church has a lot more money than any Colombian cartel and they leave a lot more bodies in their wake.
If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.
It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?