Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15

It seemed like a funny thing to do! I thought we could maybe get on the ticket of the Libertarian Party. But people were either amused or horrified at the idea of me representing their party.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.

Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.

Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.

Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

If I was a freak of nature... Hell yeah I wanna do freak shows! I don't wanna be applying for jobs at the mall.

You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?