Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 15
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Canada, the drinking age is 18, that’s unnecessary. Nobody wants to get loaded around people who have hope and their whole lives still ahead of them.
I don't have all the answers. I don't have a big closer, and I may not have a point. But I have a tit-fuck joke.
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.
Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?
I'm a bit of a potty mouth. My dad used to wash out my mouth with soap, but that was just to get rid of any traces of his DNA.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?
Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.
You forget, when you’re in the Scandinavian countries, you forget they don’t speak English first and they speak better than I do.
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.