Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16

I think that's when I knew I lost my youth; when I was no longer able to act like I was interested in a dumb chick just to fuck her.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

I'm pretty drunk and bored with yelling at the stone walls that are your minds.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

There's a fine line between being a sicko and an adventurous spirit.

Don't take Ambien with beer, Inman, you'll black out and fuck up all kinds of shit.

The ones that bother me the most are the media saying, "He's like the next Bill Hicks." It's supposed to be complimentary, but then all these Bill Hicks fans show up thinking you're going to be like him, and then go, "You're no Bill Hicks." And I'm like, "I never wanted to try to be like him, I don't think I'm anything like him at all, and now you're mad at me for not being him because a journalist didn't have a better reference."

I love conspiracy theories. I used to just live on it. You know it's all hype and garbage, but you're still really paranoid afterwards. It's fun entertainment.

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.

How about a national day of get drunk and say fuck it.

I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.

To the point where gender is no longer an issue; if you fuck the elephant man, no one is going to call you fag.

The kind of beautiful that if your life ever flashed before your eyes you'd have to stop at that part and beat off.

Who better to do drugs than high school kids; what are you going to fuck up that bad when you're seventeen years old?