Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16

I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.

I've been doing a lot of drugs in the last few weeks and drinking less, and I feel much better.

We live in a world where people will have a GPS and a crucifix on the same dashboard - and you want me to have hope for these fucking monkeys on swing-sets?

You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?

Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.

That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.

If you're in high-school and you're not having fun, quit.

If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.

Life is like a movie, if you've sat through more than half of it and it’s sucked every second so far, it probably isn't going to get great right at the end and make it all worthwhile. None should blame you for walking out early.

Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.

So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.

Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.