Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 16
Yeah... Just get your shit together and start booking yourself again.
I'm not saying drinking is all that great but you know it's got benefits; you can't smoke somebody pretty.
If you're going to kill yourself just do me one favor: say it was because of my act. Can you do that? I need the press.
Every vice is already a punishment in itself... you don't need a ticket on top of it.
I sometimes wonder if necrophiliacs are really into dead people or if they just enjoy the quiet.
So you stick something up your ass, and you hope it might work, and it usually helps.
Man, it just cost me five dollars to beat my own meat... God bless the United States of America.
You'll tell all your friends but I don't give a shit, I don't know your friends. And besides, how much pussy do you get on referral?
That place is so behind the times, you can't even get AIDS there yet.
Sometimes American news is like a tired old whore that only tells you things you wanna hear.
Before modern medicine, would pussies just generally rot up inside you and fall out of you like spoiled oysters on the sidewalk?
I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.
If you ever find the perfect person, run so fast that they see flames shoot out of your ass 'cause all the perfect person does is amplify your flaws a thousand-fold. It makes you feel like that much more of a dick: I used to be a partier; now, I'm an alcoholic. It's all in who's judging.