Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 17
Paralympics... fascinating because just watching anyone with a major disability trying to do everyday chores is fun to watch.
I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."
The first five times that you bang someone and the last million times are two different worlds.
[in regards to the subway breakfast sandwich not being available after 11AM] I'll go "Uh, hey man, uh gimme an egg and cheese", and the kid will say, "I'm sorry sir, it's after 11, we put all that stuff, away. You didn't put it away...it's in the second green cabinet, it's right there. This place is as big as a photo-mat, there is no "away" in the building, you don't own "away". There's no Brink's truck that pulls up at 11:02 and yanks out the eggs under armed guard.
Do you think Americans deserve healthcare? Have you looked at this horrible fat fuck country?
I love when you get boner spam for boner pills and the subject is "Be a better lover". Oh, the boner was the problem on that? That’s why I’m a bad lover? Do you have a pill that’s gonna make me care if she cums? That would be a medical miracle.
Right at the end of the big wall of vibrators, $29.95, big rubber fist. Thirty bucks! Just in time for mothers day.
What ever happened to freak shows? Back in the twenties when elephant man was born at least he had a job waiting for him.
You've done something alright with your life when the only rule on your job is don't shake your cock at the customer.
Unfortunately this is where comedy works, where people are the most miserable.
If you've ever seen a vagina close up... it looks like an alien's gonna hop out and attach itself to your face and lay eggs in your mouth.
You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?
I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!