Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18
If you're gonna have a pro-drug argument, start the argument where it starts: I have the right to do what ever the hell I want to my own body, if it kills me slowly, happy for me, fuck you, "clack clack" (miming a pump-action shotgun) stop me!
Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!
How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.
Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.
Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.
Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.
I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.
You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.
Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.
You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.
I've had some bad shows where I just sucked, but I've had some assholes, too. Some guy stood up Saturday night and said 'This is the same shit you've been peddling the last five times you've been here.' That's your biggest fear: someone who knows every word you've ever said.
The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.