Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

How many kids do you have? Two. Don't have any more. That's the highest acceptable point... from now on take it in the ass.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.