Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18

You say you hate children and people always say the same thing; "it would be different if it was your own child." Well what if it wasn't?

"Oh look, she smiled at me!" It's because you shit your pants.

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.

Invent new drugs, that's what you should be doing... fight to get new weirder ones... and weirder establishments to do them in.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

I go onstage, it's like I'm leading you into battle. You're not all going to be here at the end.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.