Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

I understand dildos: not everybody has fifteen inches of dick to swing around to scare the children.

High definition ruined a lot of things that I used to hold sacrosanct in pornography.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

I don't fuck. Who needs it? I'm funnier without it.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

Raccoons don't need to do poppers in order to come while they're having anonymous same-sex interludes in a highway rest area.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

I've been playing the CNN Drinking Game, have you ever played that? Where you do a shot every time George Bush says the word "evil"? Oh, I'm a wreck! You gotta do a double shot every time he says "evildoers". Chug the bottle for "axis of evil". Are you a president or an exorcist?!

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

I don't know. Both my parents are dead. So? Wait, I got pictures of their corpses in my wallet. I had them blown up as murals. Here.

Steal my stuff off the internet wherever you can and don’t apologize. Buy the CDs and DVDs from my site and feel free to burn ‘em and share ‘em. Then come to the show.