Quotes & Jokes by Doug Stanhope / page 18

Everything that is going to kill you is extremely appetizing.

I've had six or eight hookers in my life. I never woke up the next day thinking "man I'm glad I got a hooker last night."

Your children can’t do shit, they can’t drink, they cant smoke, they can’t drive, they can’t vote, they can’t work, they can’t fuck for god’s sake! And you wonder why your teenager’s such an asshole... it’s cuz he’s bored out of his tit! You won’t let him do anything else!

Any time you can match up anatomically to anything in a smut shop it makes you feel pretty proud.

When you come out of that pink ugly hole onto this planet you're nothing but a gooey shrieking wrinkled ball of weakness.

Life gave you lemons and you turned it into golden showers. God bless you for that.

He's my usual type of fan... a school shooter who didn't have bullets and now he's all awkward and alone.

The acid I did in my twenties alone: I don't want to see the kind of baby this sperm is waiting to create.

In 20 years of comedy, I’ve probably had a dozen good points.

The media tells me what I find attractive in a woman? I think my dick tells me what I find attractive in a woman.

You got kids, and you want to pre-board an airplane? No. Fuck you. You wait till last. You're the problem. Let the homo pre-board.

Before you ask for the people to rise up and take what’s theirs, meet the people, because they’re really, really, bafoons.

Artists who say that they're artists: usually people who need a job.

You kinda wish a girl would bleed a little bit from the head during that time so you know before you approach her at the bar.

America doesn't exist; it's just dirt that has fucking lines drawn around it. Old guys put lines on it at one point. It's all fucking dirt.