Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 10

Did you hear what he said before he was elected? He goes, 'I'm going to go through the national budget, line by line, and I'm going to cut out everything we don't need.' Did you see the inauguration? They flew out his high school marching band from Hawaii. Maybe it's me, but shouldn't 30 Hawaiian tuba players be somewhere near the top of the 'Shit We Don't Need' column in the national budget?

I'm passionate about gay rights, but I think we need admit that there are some gay wrongs as well.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

Being a white supremacist is like getting into porn. At some point you gotta be like, "what the fuck was I thinking?"

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

How can there not already be a rapper named 'O'pinion'?

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like "no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle".

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Most people that commit to a life of celibacy weren't leaving that much on the table in the first place.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.

I think you're retarded, and not in the cute way.

When rappers call each other "son" it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.