Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 12
Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.
Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.
When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.
Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.
Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.
Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.
Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.
I saw the family recently. Everybody's angry at me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. He goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'Shut up, Billy. You're gay.'
Ending a sentence with "yo", is like saying, "I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever." Know what I mean yo?
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.