Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 13

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'