Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.
Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Self hatred is a bitch. That being said, people who really like themselves rarely produce anything interesting or creative.