Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.
Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.