Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.