Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 14
Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.
I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.
Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.
The only time used underwear is valuable is as evidence during a rape trial.
If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, "Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness".
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
Assassinating someone is another way of saying "I care", just not in the way they'd want you to.
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.
My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
The human spirit is indomitable, unless your talking specifically about the people I know.