Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 15

I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Gotta get rid of these free radicals, but first I need to figure out what they are.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'

I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.