Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 15
You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.
Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, "Satan is a myth... I guess".
I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.
I don't trust you. I don't like you, and I don't respect you. That being said, I'm bored out of my mind and I'd like to invite you to dinner.
Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.
One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.
Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.
Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.
I like the way you don't like me, but still let me have sex with you because you don't like yourself.
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.