Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 15

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

Another thing rappers, I admire your rebellious spirit, but materialism is a form of mental slavery. Slow down on the jewelry, pick up a book.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, "people are wonderful" spent very little time with people.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that’s how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

Just once I want to hear a motivational speaker whisper in my ear, "ya know, this is all bullshit right?"

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".