Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16

[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

You know you've been listening to too much hip hop when you're response to a red light is "can't stop, won't stop son!".

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

You and I go together like energy drinks and flat brim ball caps.

There are few places more lonely than a crowded night club.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'