Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16
You realize what level of misery you have to be experiencing to see my 10-speed tied to a pole and then just be like, 'Look at this rich bastard right here!'
Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.
Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. "Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard".
I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.
Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.
I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.
Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.
If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.
Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.
"You can't fool the American people" - politician trying to fool the American people.
Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.
Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".
[In the Pharmacy] The guy turns to me -- I was in the aisle -- and he goes, 'Hey, you think I should go for the two-ply or the regular?' I was like, 'Man, if you're even thinking two-ply, maybe you shouldn't fuck her.'
I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.