Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 16

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

I just don't feel like you're right for me... sorry, just talking to myself.

This relationship is preventing me from becoming everything I can be as a world class masturbator. I'm going to have to ask you to leave.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

You and I go together like energy drinks and flat brim ball caps.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think "why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility"?

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

I saw a girl outside - had the biggest fake titties I've ever seen in my life. They were this big, with a half top with stuff written on the shirt, and I couldn't help but look at it. She got mad at me. She goes, 'What are you looking at?' I was like, 'Hey, if I stuff a balloon in my pants and paint a bulls eye on it, you might take a second freakin' peek, weirdo.'

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

A lot of people in a LA need to take a break from taking a break.

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.