Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 18

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

You and I go together like energy drinks and flat brim ball caps.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

Met someone who works at the zoo. Apparently the panda is a nasty animal.

I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Vegas; one of the few places still encouraging men in their fifties to dress like their in a boy-band from the 80's.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Mirrors at the gym only serve to remind me that I'm less of a man than I'd like to be.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

Did a gig the other night that made one of my jokes feel like Jesus because it died as a result of their sins, not mine.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.