Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 19

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

Comedy is rarely funny.

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.