Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 19

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

I've never understood why anybody makes a big deal about mansions. It's just a house with more rooms. You still have to face yourself.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

I think you have a lot to offer... not necessarily as a person, but as an organ donor.

Domestic abuse is wrong, but domestic retribution is okay.

Guys don't use the word "pretty" enough. Like, "hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you".

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Saying, "have a great work-out" is like saying, "I hope you pull something".

No one understands the way I feel about things I don't understand.

I'm told anal sex is like Mariachi music. It hurts at first, but you get used to it, ultimately maybe even throw on a large hat and enjoy it.

Comedy is rarely funny.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said "southern and sassy, it's all good". Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.