Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 20

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says "I'm not going to have sex with you", she'll often have sex with you.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.