Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 20

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

I'll bet a lot more people would use the phrase 'go fuck yourself' more often if no one needed money.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

Sex sells, unless you're dehydrated in which case you'd be much more likely to purchase water.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with "listen up doll face".

Cheerleaders are simultaneously everything that is right and wrong with the world.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying "things just come to me" should be punishable by death.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

People would be so much more interesting if they'd behave like who they are, and not like what they think others expect them to be.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.