Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 4

Visible matter is 4% of the universe.The rest is 'dark matter'. I would argue a third type which describes most of my world. Doesn't matter.

I said, 'That's the wrong drink.' And he said, 'Sorry, dude, I'm tired.' And I was like, 'Have a frickin' coffee, man. That's why I'm here.'

Big black guys fear air travel almost as much as old white women fear big black guys.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

You know you're too high when you're eating cereal naked and your girlfriend says, 'Put your clothes on,' and then you realize it's not your girlfriend, it's some woman on a bus.

Why would you beat up on a gay guy? I'm all for kickin' ass, but let's take out the enemy, you know, some good-looking straight dude with a nice car and job.

White people set goals, rappers 'chase paper', and the Chinese are too busy doing both to talk about either one.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.