Quotes & Jokes by Dov Davidoff / page 6
I was in the pharmacy. They have two ply condoms now, for real. Two ply... a guy turns to me. He goes, “Hey, do you think I should go for the two ply or the regular?” I was like, “Hey, if you’re even thinking two ply... Maybe you shouldn’t fuck her.”
Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.
When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.
Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.
The vagina is like a hot dog, if I really know what’s in it, I can’t eat it. I’m kidding, I can eat it, but it’s weird.
I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; "but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much".
You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.
Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.
Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.
I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.
It's not really dating. I don't have any money, so we just kind of walk around. She'll always say things like, 'Where are we going?' 'Further.'
People who say "life is precious" don't spend much time on line at the airport.
Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.
I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.