Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 10
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.
The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.