Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 10
You remember my neighbor with the burns on 90 percent of her body? Well, she burned the other 10 percent now. She was lighting a fart and her bush caught fire!
Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.
There are nights when the wolves are silent and only the moon howls.
Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.
If you want to get rid of counterfeit money, put it in the collection plate at church.
I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.
Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.
I remember when I was a kid I used to come home from Sunday School and my mother would get drunk and try to make pancakes.
Where ideas are concerned, America can be counted on doing one of two things: take a good idea and run it completely into the ground, or take a bad idea and run it completely into the ground.
Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.