Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 9

You know how you speed up baseball? Everybody gets one swing. That's it one swing fuck you, you're out sit down!

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

Everything beeps now.

There are women named Faith, Hope, Joy, and Prudence. Why not Despair, Guilt, Rage, and Grief? It seems only right. "Tom, I'd like you to meet the girl of my dreams, Tragedy." These days, Trajedi.

I really haven't seen this many people in one place since they took the group photographs of all the criminals and lawbreakers in the Ronald Reagan Administration.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Suppose you took an oath by placing your right hand on the Bible and raising your left? Would it still count? Does God really give a shit? Does anyone?

Whever you see the word cuisine used instead of the word food, be prepared to pay an additional eighty percent.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

You can prick your finger - just don’t finger your prick.

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

So I say, “Live and let live.” That’s my motto. “Live and let live.” Anyone who can’t go along with that, take him outside and shoot the motherfucker. It’s a simple philosophy, but it’s always worked in our family.