Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 9

Hard work is a misleading term. Physical effort and long hours do not constitute hard work. Hard work is when someone pays you to do something you'd rather not be doing. Anytime you'd rather be doing something other than the thing you're doing, you're doing hard work.

Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

When Ronal Reagan got Alzheimer’s disease, how could they tell?

She was only a prostitute, but she had the nicest face I ever came across.

If it’s true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

If you’re reading it in a book, folks, it ain’t self-help. It’s help.

I love and treasure individuals as I meet them; I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.

You can’t fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

Bullshit is truly the American soundtrack.

Whoever coined the term “Buyer Beware” was probably bleeding from the asshole.

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

I call him Governor Bush because that's the only political office he's ever held legally in this country. I don't care where they hang his portrait, I don't care how big his library is. To me, he'll always be "Governor Bush." I don't even capitalize his name when I type it anymore.

And now, in the interest of equal time, here is a message from the National Institute of Pancakes: It reads, and I quote, “Fuck waffles.”

Make-believe cowboys. Closest they've ever gotten to a cow is when they stopped to take a piss at an Arby's.

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backward.