Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

I don't like to think of laws as rules you have to follow, but more as suggestions.

Picture your grandmother in Hell, baking pies... without an oven.

It's all bullshit, folks and it's bad for ya.

Life is tough, then you die.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

Cloud nine gets all the publicity, but cloud eight actually is cheaper, less crowded, and has a better view.