Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 11

So, have a little fun. Soon enough you'll be dead and burning in Hell with the rest of your family.

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

Life is tough, then you die.

Everyone smiles in the same language.

Never forget that Hitler was a Catholic.

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Life gets really simple once you cut out all the bull shit they teach you in school.

Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Somehow I enjoy watching people suffer.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

Life is a zero sum game.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.