Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

We will never be an advanced civilization as long as rain showers can delay the launching of a space rocket.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me - they're cramming for their final exam.

The safest place to be during an earthquake would be in a stationary store.

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Life is a zero sum game.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.