Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 12

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

Leadership camp? Isn't that where Hitler went?

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

Who decides when the applause should die down? It seems like it's a group decision; everyone begins to say to themselves at the same time, "Well, okay, that's enough of that."

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.