Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

If no one knows when a person is going to die, how can we say he died prematurely?

Life is a near-death experience.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!