Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.

So I want to thank the Pentagon, the Soviet Union and the military-industrial complex from the bottom of my heart. Without them, I could never have become the man I am today.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Life is a near-death experience.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

I used to be Irish Catholic. Now I’m an American - you know, you grow.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.