Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

You get to play with people's little danger zones.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

My grandfather, mother and father were gifted verbally, and my mother passed that along to me. She always made sure I was conscious of language and words.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

If two baseball players from the same hometown, on different teams, receive the same uniform number, it is not ironic. It is a coincidence. If Barry Bonds attains lifetime statistics identical to his father's, it will not be ironic. It will be a coincidence.

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I finally accepted Jesus - not as my personal savior, but as a man I intend to borrow money from.