Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 13

The worst thing about e-mail is that you can’t interrupt the other person. You have to read the whole thing and then e-mail them back, pointing out all their mistakes and faulty assumptions. It’s frustrating and it’s time-consuming. God bless phone calls.

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

A lot of these people who keep a gun at home for safety are the same ones who refuse to wear a seat belt.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

These days many politicians are demanding change. Just like homeless people.

Bowling is not a sport because you have to rent the shoes.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

Let a smile be your umbrella, and you'll end up with a face full of rain.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

More people write poetry than read it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?