Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

Life is a near-death experience.

Here's all you have to know about men and women: women are crazy, men are stupid. And the main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

More people write poetry than read it.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?