Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

The planet is fine. The people are fucked.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

California is a small woman saying, "Fuck me." New York is a large man saying, "Fuck you!"

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Life is a near-death experience.