Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14
I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.
People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.
Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.
I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."
...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”
“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!
There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.