Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

“When Will Jesus Bring the Pork Chops?” This title offends all three major religions, and even vegetarians!

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

More people write poetry than read it.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.