Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 14

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

The only good thing ever to come out of religion was the music.

Some people have no idea what they're doing, and a lot of them are really good at it.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

People say life begins at conception, I say life began about a billion years ago and it's a continuous process.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

More people write poetry than read it.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

I couldn't commit suicide if my life depended on it.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”