Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.
Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.
Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.
If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?