Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.