Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.