Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

I think the warning labels on alcoholic beverages are too bland. They should be more vivid. Here is one I would suggest: "Alcohol will turn you into the same asshole your father was."

Kilometers are shorter than miles. Save gas, take your next trip in kilometers.

There's a humorous side to every situation. The challenge is to find it.

Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.

Political discourse has been reduced to "Where's the beef?" "Read my lips," and "Make my day." Where are the assassins when we really need them?

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

When evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.