Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 15

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Although the photographer and the art thief were close friends, neither had ever taken the other's picture.

I hate Dr Phil. Dr Phil told me to express my feelings, so I'm expressing them.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

...thanks to our fear of death in this country I won’t have to die. I’ll “pass away.” Or I’ll “expire” – like a magazine subscription. If it happens in the hospital they’ll call it a “terminal episode.” The insurance company will refer to it as “negative patient care outcome.” And if it’s the result of malpractice they’ll say it was a “therapeutic misadventure.” I’m telling ya, some of this language makes me want to vomit. Well, maybe not vomit. It makes we want to engage in an “involuntary personal protein spill.”

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

The most unfair thing about life is the way it ends. I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death! What’s that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you’re too young, you get a gold watch, you go to work. You work forty years until you’re young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities, you become a little baby, you go back into the womb, you spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.

Some people see things that are and ask, why? Some people dream of things that never were and ask, why not? Some people have to go to work and don't have time for all that.

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.