Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, you know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
Every time you use the phrase all my life it has a different meaning.
Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.