Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16
When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.
Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.
Did you ever look at your watch, and you look away... and you don't know what time it is?
I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
The best thing about living at the water’s edge: You only have assholes on three sides of you, and if they come this way you can hear them splash.
Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.
One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.