Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 16

When you think about it, attention-deficit order makes a lot of sense. In this country there isn’t a lot worth paying attention to.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

Dogs and cats get put to sleep; hogs and cows get slaughtered.

Instead of school busing and prayer in schools, which are both controversial, why not a joint solution? Prayer in buses. Just drive these kids around all day and let them pray their fuckng empty little heads off.

No one knows what’s next, but everybody does it.

Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.

Don't give your money to the church. They should be giving their money to you.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Keep thy religion to thyself.

The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Religion is just mind control.

Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.