Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.