Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17
What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.
There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.
Heart disease has changed my eating habits, but I still cook bacon for the smell.
A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.
I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.
Irony deals with opposites; it has nothing to do with coincidence.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.
Sore loser? You bet your fucking ass! What on earth is wrong with being a sore loser? It shows you cared about whatever the contest was in the first place. Fuck losing graciously - that's for chumps. And losers, by the way.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.