Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17

One good reason to only maintain a small circle of friends is that three out of four murders are committed by people who know the victim.

Women like silent men, they think they're listening.

Religion has what is easily the greatest bullshit story of all time.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Do you know the nicest thing about looking at pictures of a 1950’s baseball park? The only people wearing baseball caps are the players.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

Always do whatever's next.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

Because we were a poor area, the school had a small budget and was unable to teach the second half of the alphabet.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"