Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 17

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

There are battered husbands. Apparently this happens when the woman is real big, the man is very small, and they each drink a quart of whiskey a day.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

What exactly is "viewer discretion"? If viewers had discretion, most television shows would not be on the air.

I’m in shape. Round is a shape.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

I worry about my judgment when anything I believe in or do regularly begins to be accepted by the American public.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

Life.....is a series of dogs.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.