Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18
Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.
I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.
Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.
The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.
If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?
The reason they call it the American Dream is because you have to be asleep to believe it.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not yet come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.
And although I broke a lot of laws as a teenager, I straightened out immediately upon turning eighteen, when I realized the state had a legal right to execute me.