Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

Always do whatever's next.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

Little-known fact: When the stock exchange closes, the guy who comes out on the balcony with that big hammer slams it on the head of the person who lost the most money that day.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

I believe you can joke about anything.