Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 18

It turned out I was pretty good in science. But again, because of the small budget, in science class we couldn't afford to do experiments in order to prove theories. We just believed everything. Actually, I think that class was called Religion. Religion class was always an easy class. All you had to do was suspend the logic and reasoning you were being taught in all the other classes.

Some national parks have long waiting lists for camping reservations. When you have to wait a year to sleep next to a tree, something is wrong.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

If churches want to play the game of politics, let them pay admission like everyone else.

I don't have any beliefs or allegiances. I don't believe in this country, I don't believe in religion, or a god, and I don't believe in all these man-made institutional ideas.

I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.

Conservatives want live babies so they can train them to be dead soldiers.

We get what we deserve. They are our elected officials.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

I'm kinda like herpes, I just keep coming back.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Leave my friend alone officer he's legally drunk.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

If everything that ever lived is dead, and everything that's alive is gonna die, where does the sacred part come in?