Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19

So I do have this ambivalence. Obviously I'm against militaries, because of what militaries do. In many ways though, the air force was unmilitary-like. They dropped bombs on people, but... they had a golf course.

The future will soon be a thing of the past.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

A man came up to me on the street and said I used to be messed up out of my mind on drugs but now I'm messed up out of my mind on Jeeesus Chriiist.

I didn't wash today. I wasn't dirty. If I'm not dirty, I don't wash. Some weeks I don't have to shower at all. I just groom my three basic areas: teeth, hair, and asshole. And to save time, I use the same brush.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.