Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

Always do whatever's next.

I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

I believe you can joke about anything.

Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

Catholic - which I was until I reached the age of reason.

Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.

Where does the dentist go when he leaves the room?