Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19
When I got out of high school they retired my jersey, but it was for hygiene and sanitary reasons.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.
I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious.
Of course, in Los Angeles, everything is based on driving, even the killings. In New York, most people don't have cars, so if you want to kill a person, you have to take the subway to their house. And sometimes on the way, the train is delayed and you get impatient, so you have to kill someone on the subway. That's why there are so many subway murders; no one has a car.
America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.
No matter how you care to define it, I do not identify with the local group. Planet, species, race, nation, state, religion, party, union, club, association, neighborhood improvement committee; I have no interest in any of it. I love and treasure individuals as I meet them, I loathe and despise the groups they identify with and belong to.
I don't think we should be governing ourselves. What need is a king, and every now and then if the king’s not doing a good job, we kill him.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.