Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 19

Singing is basically a form of pleasant, controlled screaming.

My mother would say, "Why are you always playing alone?" And I would say, "I'm not playing, Ma. I'm fucking serious!"

Always do whatever's next.

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

I'm desperately trying to figure out why Kamikaze pilots wore helmets.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

I believe you can joke about anything.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

If a movie is described as a romantic comedy, you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

The following statement is true. The previous statement is false.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.