Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

There are no innocent fucking victims. If you live on this planet you're guilty - period - Fuck you - End of report - Next case.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

Regarding local residents attempting to ban sex shops from their neighborhoods: you show me a parent who says he's worried about his child's innocence and I'll show you a homeowner trying to maintain equity.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.