Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20

Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Here’s a bumper sticker I’d like to see: “We are the proud parents of a child who’s self-esteem is sufficient that he doesn’t need us promoting his minor scholastic achievements on the back of our car.”

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

America: where Irish, English, Germans, Scandinavians, Poles and Italians come together to kill Indians, lynch niggers and beat the shit out of spics and Jews.

You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.

You know who I pray to? Joe Pesci. Two reasons: First of all, I think he's a good actor, okay? To me, that counts. Second, he looks like a guy who can get things done. Joe Pesci doesn't fuck around. In fact, Joe Pesci came through on a couple of things that God was having trouble with.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

I think I am, therefore, I am. I think.

I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.

You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.