Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 20
You know who would make an interesting murder-suicide? Madeline Albright and Yanni.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
You know the good part about all those executions in Texas? Fewer Texans.
Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.
Why keep trotting out this Billy Graham character? He has nothing to say and basically no one gives a fuck.
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Spirituality: the last refuge of a failed human. Just another way of distracting you from who you really are.
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
You ever notice the first thing someone says when they can't find something is that it was stolen? They say "who stole it?!". It's an ego defense. They can't stand the fact that they might have been stupid enough to have lost something.
The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.
If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.