Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!
I think it's the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.
Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?
Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.