Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.
Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!