Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!
As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Avoid teams at all cost. Keep your circle small. Never join a group that has a name.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.