Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21
It’s way beyond ironic that a place called the Holy Land is the location of the fiercest most deeply felt hatred in the world.
Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?
I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.
A lot of times when they catch a guy who killed twenty-seven people, they say, "He was a loner." Well, of course he was a loner; he killed everyone he came in contact with.
Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.
Scientists announced today that they have discovered a cure for apathy. However, they claim no one has shown the slightest interest in it.
It was my uncle who taught me about the birds and the bees. He sat me down one day and said, "Remember this, George, the birds fuck the bees." Then he told me he once banged a girl so hard her freckles came off.
If a painting can be forged well enough to fool experts, why is the original so valuable?
You have to stay in shape. My mother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we have no idea where she is.
Who would have thought that the manufacturing of sticks would be outsourced to China?