Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 21

Hey! Time for a few fart jokes! Where would a comedy show be without a few fart jokes?

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

The Christians gave Him Sunday, the Jews gave Him Saturday, and the Muslims gave Him Friday. God has a three-day weekend.

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

As far as I’m concerned, humans have not come up with a belief that’s worth believing.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Oh Beautiful for smoggy skies, insecticided grain,<br /> For strip-mined mountain's majesty above the asphalt plain.<br /> America, America, man sheds his waste on thee,<br /> And hides the pines with billboard signs, from sea to oily sea.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?