Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

If your kid needs a role model and you ain't it, you're both fucked.

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

Why do "overlook" and "oversee" mean opposite things?

Think off-center.

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

And off we go, out onto the highway looking for a little fun. Perhaps a flatbed truck loaded with human cadavers will explode in front of a Star Trek reunion. One can only dream and hope.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

“Meow” means “woof” in cat.

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

How can He be perfect? Everything He ever makes... dies.

Why are a "wise man" and a "wiseguy" opposites?

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

They show you how detergents take out bloodstains. I think if you’ve got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe your laundry isn’t your biggest problem.