Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 22

A cat will blink when struck with a hammer.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

You never see a smiling runner.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Is there another word for synonym?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

I never joined the Boy Scouts. I don’t trust any organization that has a handbook.

If a piece requires some specific inflection, I'll record it. I take a lot of notes, and later categorize them, combining them alongside existing ideas, and eventually put a piece together.

Don't confuse me with those who cling to hope. I enjoy describing how things are, I have no interest in how they "ought to be". And I certainly have no interest in fixing them. I sincerely believe that if you think there's a solution, you're part of the problem. My motto: Fuck Hope!

Not only do I not know what's going on, I wouldn't know what to do about it if I did.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

It's never just a game when you're winning.

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

People who see life as anything more than pure entertainment are missing the point.

I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.