Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

It's never just a game when you're winning.

I don’t have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

What wine goes with Captain Crunch?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

History is not happenstance: it is conspiratorial. Carefully planned and executed by people in power.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

I grew up in New York wanting to be like those funny men in the movies and on the radio.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?