Quotes & Jokes by George Carlin / page 23

Most people with low self-esteem have earned it.

I'm completely in favor of the separation of Church and State. My idea is that these two institutions screw us up enough on their own, so both of them together is certain death.

Boy, am I glad to get rid of that fucking Mother Teresa.

Instead of warning pregnant women not to drink, I think female alcoholics ought to be told not to fuck.

Is a vegetarian permitted to eat animal crackers?

George Washington’s brother, Lawrence, was the Uncle of Our Country.

I have six locks on my door, all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always locking three of them.

I am a personal optimist but a skeptic about all else. What may sound to some like anger is really nothing more than sympathetic contempt. I view my species with a combination of wonder and pity, and I root for its destruction. And please don't confuse my point of view with cynicism; the real cynics are the ones who tell you everything's gonna be all right.

You're really spread out now, you've got stuff all over the world! You've got stuff at home, stuff in storage, stuff in Honolulu, stuff in Maui, stuff in your pockets... supply lines are getting longer and harder to maintain.

I do this real moron thing, and it's called thinking. And apparently I'm not a very good American because I like to form my own opinions.

Jesus died for our sins. Dare we make his sacrifice meaningless by not committing them?

I went through the usual stages: imp, rascal, scalawag, whippersnapper. And, of course, after that it's just a small step to full-blown sociopath.

The child molester skipped breakfast, but said he'd grab a little something on the way to work.

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

If someone loves you and they leave and don't come back, it was never meant to be. If someone loves you and they leave and come back, set them on fire.